Mike Vernon

Collecting autographs by mail is a way to get signatures of players you can't normally get. Here are some tips on writing to players. This is a revised edition of a previous guide that sucked. I fixed it up a bit, and added team-by-team NHL signing habits (based on my successes and others' success.) Here goes nothing...

First, what do I send?
You should send something to get signed (duh!). Trading cards are ideal. Be aware, though, that if you want to send pucks, or 8x10s, or something awkwardly shaped and weighted, you'll have to pay the postage and get weird-ass envelopes and boxes and stuff. Don't send anything expensive, because *gasp!* you may not see it again! Don't send super-glossy HoloFoil 1 of 1 insert cards, or a Wayne Gretzky game-used 1979-80 jersey. Also, make sure you rub the glossy cards, or the autograph will come back smeared and messed up.

OK, then what do I write in the letter?
Hmm... common sense says don't cuss out the player. Although this is tempting to players like Belfour, Pronger, and Messier, you obviously will get no response. Write to him telling him who you are, and mention something unique (a recent milestone, goal, win, statistic, or etc.) and you might need to brown nose it a little, but not too much! Finally, ask him to sign the cards, and be very sincere. Use thank you and please. Wish the player luck and sign your name. That's it! Be concise because the player does not have a time to read a long letter.

It's not all free, I see. How much is it?
Depends on what you send. If we're talking two cards:

U.S. to U.S.	$.33 US
U.S. to Canada	$.45 US

I'm unsure of Canadian postage, I'll figure it out soon enough. Make sure you enclose an SASE to cover the return of the cards too, with appropriate postage.

I live in Inuvaqakisaamiqaliqat, Yukon, and the nearest post office is 2000 miles away. How would I get stamps?
Well, assuming there's a telephone within 2000 miles:
For American stamps call: 1-800-STAMP-24
For Canadian stamps call: 1-800-565-4362

How long does all this take?
It all depends on the player. Sometimes the player sends it back in two weeks, sometimes two years, anywhere in between those. It also matters when you send the mail. If you send the mail as soon as training camp opens in September, you will get a quicker response. If you send it in March or April when the player's time is limited, then expect a while longer for those to get back. Sometimes it all depends on the player.

There's gotta be some common disadvantages.

Yep, damn straight! There are numerous problems with 'graphs-by-mail. Here are some common ones.

1. Gettin' postal: Oh boy. One of the biggest pains in the asses of getting cards signed via the mail is the postal service screwing up. Obviously, the US and Canadian postal services are not exactly super-efficient. They periodically lose mail, and generally they are snail-slow. Make sure your items you're sending are inexpensive and easy to replace.

2. They ain't no stamps of approval: You get a few cards back from a superstar hockey player. "Wow, this guy signs good! The signatures on these cards are pretty similar… wait a sec… aw nuts, they aren't similar, they are PERFECTLY similar!!!" This scene happens a lot. The player uses a rubber stamp to "sign" the cards. It's easy to spot them if the stamp slipped and smeared. Also if the signatures look EXACTLY the same, since a genuine autograph is unique and not like any other!

3. Ghost stories: This is a tougher kind of fake to spot. Sometimes a worker hired by the player opens that player's fan mail and signs the cards. The worker has memorized the player's signature and can copy it almost perfectly. This is hard for the fan to spot. These freaks of nature have earned the title "GHOST SIGNER." Collector beware!

4. Autopens: It's a machine that makes a facsimile autograph on the card. Mike Gunther has written a great article about autopens. Check it out. Gretzky, Bondra, and Selanne use it care of their respective teams.

Hmm. I guess its worth the risk. But where do I send it to? His house?

Yeah, you could send to his house... if you can get the address. But for the most part, send to him care of the team. Here's a silly example...

Yorh Dikserecht
c/o New York Rangers
6969 Doesn't Sign Crap Pkwy.
Ghetto, NY 06969

This here is just an example. Send to the player, care of his team, then the mailing address. Kinda easy, and not as invading as sending it to wherever the player lives. Can't find the NHL addresses? Click here to fly to the magical myriad of NHL team addresses!

OK. There's 30 teams in the NHL. Who are the good ones? Who aren't? Which teams give you crap instead of autographs?
Sheesh, if you'd just shut up, I'd tell you!!! Here's the definitive table that tells you all this junk. This will probably not be updated as much, as players move around quite frequently. The Rants and Raves list has ratings out of 10 and reads as follows:

Team	Rating	Rants and Raves
Anaheim	7	Don't even bother with Kariya or Selanne. You'll get a nicely faked photo back. Otherwise, pretty good chance of getting some hard-working players!
Atlanta	10	Everyone's a winner... off the ice, that is. You'll get everyone easily. Audette and Rhodes are the big names on this otherwise nameless team.
Boston	8	The B's have lots of young talent willing to sign, but Sergei Samsonov and Byron Dafoe are pretty hard to get. No total rotten apples, now that Bourque is gone.
Buffalo	8	Everyone's pretty good with signing except Hasek. Avoid sending to him through the mail, it ain't gonna work none.
Calgary	11	Here's a team where everyone signs. Go for everyone, they all sign multiples and are pretty nice about it!
Carolina	10	Wow, another good team. Paul Coffey is good through the mail, so is Rod Brind'amour. Big stars sign here, and no more Kovalenko means a perfect 10 for Carolina.
Chicago	7	This team has been difficult signing thru the mail. But a recent resurgence has fans sending tons to Amonte, Daze, and Thibault. There have been a few returns. Otherwise good.
Colorado	1	I give the Avs a 1 for sending something other than stickers back. Do NOT send to them. They send back faked postcards of every player, from Forsberg to Skoula.
Columbus	n/a	I will post a rating once they actually have a roster!
Dallas	9	The nicest winning team in hockey, Dallas has stars abound and everyone but Belfour signs. The Beagle signs if you donate to his charity. Good cause, Ed, only one point off, not two.
Detroit	4	The big name players on the team autopen your items. Even the semistars. There are a few like Kozlov and lower-rung players, but for the most part, the back to back champs ego's caught up.
Edmonton	9.5	Another awesome team. Nobody to worry about here, except maybe Kovalenko. I took half point off rather than one because he might have changed. Go for Weight and Guerin and all.
Florida	9	Pavel Bure highlights a huge crowd of great signers. I've heard that Trevor Kidd is moody and is in sort of a funk signing-wise, but that may just be temporary.
Los Angeles	7	Good or bad? In this case, a little from Column A, a little from Column B. Column B for Blake who stamps, and for Luc who fakes. You can try Fiset, but I'm not sure he'd reply.
Minnesota	n/a	Like Columbus, I will post up a rating (probably 10) when they put their team together this June.
Montreal	10	Sur la glace, le Habitants sont inexpérimenté, mais outre de la glace ils dédicacent par le courrier. What does it mean? I dunno, I don't speak French, I just used a bad translator. But here's the scoop: they're young, no bad apples here, they'll sign.
Nashville	10	"Hey Cletus! Ma just got back a scrawlin' from one a them Preds!" Yes, Cletus could've gotten anyone on the team, but nobody so expensive that he'd sell it and buy him a new trailer.
New Jersey	6	A few devils here, like Brodeur and Stevens, don't sign, they send back a faked item with stickers and crap. Others will sign, but I've heard they don't open mail until the end of the season.
NY Isles	10	Everyone on this team has that great signing ability, because on the ice, they are expansion quality. But many sign, and guys like Olli Jokinen even added extra signed stuff. Excellent young team.
NY Rangers	0	It's a goose egg! Let me tell you a story. I heard how NYR sends crap back instead of signatures. I decided, "Hey, I'll try to send to someone just to see what happens." I sent to Brent Fedyk, not exactly a superstar. Two weeks pass, and I find that my Fedyk stuff has been returned. I felt the envelope. Hmm, a bit heavy. I opened it, and was shocked. The cards were unsigned, and there were stickers, an unsigned postcard of Vladimir Vorobiev, and an invitation for me to join the Rangers Power Play Kids Club. Um... I'll pass. It's not the players. Do you think that Brent Fedyk would refuse an autograph? That guy probably doesn't get much for requests in the mail, on any team! It's the organization that blows. Good old New York City hospitality. Sheesh. The stickers now decorate the wastebasket in my room. That's all they're really good for anyway.
Ottawa	8	A deadline deal traded a good signer (Tugnutt) for a jerk off (Barrasso). Don't even bother. Tom is a sourpuss who won't sign. But Juneau's rebounded, and they're otherwise real good. I recommend sending to Marian Hossa and Magnus Arvedson.
Philadelphia	4	Philly's got more downs than ups. Sending care of Philly can result in failures from Vanbiesbrouck, Lindros, LeClair, Therien, Renberg, and Desjardins. And they just inherited Tocchet. Get Beezer and Lindros through his home address.
Phoenix	10	Excellent team in the mail. The players are all very nice, and especially J.R. and Keith Tkachuk! This team has many good players worth the 64 cents round trip price. And Rick Tocchet is gone, so that means a 10!
Pittsburgh	6	Barrasso's departure, Jagr's on again off again habits and Lemieux's slight chance of a sig save this team from failing the in-mail course.
San Jose	7	My beloved Sharks are up and down when it comes to the mail scene. When your letter arrives at the Tank, if it is addressed to Friesen or Nolan, you can kiss your stuff goodbye. Otherwise, they'll sign, especially Marleau and Stuart. Go Sharks!
St. Louis	8	This is a team of underachievers. My Sharks sent the Blues home! Pronger, who was sour in person, will sign in the mail. But avoid Al MacInnis. The chances of getting something from him are like taking one of his slapshots to the throat and surviving.
Tampa Bay	9	The Bolts suck as usual. Everyone signs, but Vincent LeCavalier still has his #1 overall ego to him. Fakes are his specialty. This team's roster otherwise reads like an AHL roster, which is good for success through the mail with these players.
Toronto	7	It's a Kodak moment when CuJo, Domi, and Sundin send back something authentic. They fake all their autographs on pictures labeled with Kodak. Otherwise, check out everyone else, they all seem to be really nice.
Vancouver	8	Vancouver is a pretty good team for autographs. Everyone seems to sign. They are 10 quality... oh yeah, I forgot about that pencil-whacker Mark Messier. He corrupted the Canucks. Look what he did to the rating! Do NOT send to this balding, graying, wrinkling, slowing, souring jerkoff!
Washington	9	Everyone's pretty good through the mail here, I've scored Olaf Kolzig care of the team. However, send to Bondra through his home address, because care of the team, he will fake it!

If you have any comments, suggestions, or any chewing out of me to do, go ahead and rain down the four letter expletives at buxtons@worldnet.att.net.